Decisions

My Life

Monday, January 18, 2016

Decisions

So I made the decision to not listen to my counselor. And boy did I fuck up. I made the mistake of trying to be the guys friend and now I am stuck. I really like him like a lot and I thought that maybe I would feel better if I tried to be his friend. But that plan has backfired on me big time. Now he is all I can think about. I thought I knew better but apparent not. I am just stuck now because I have already started he process and I can't get out of it. I am confused and I can't. I want to be friends but then again I don't know how this is going to play out. God why am I so stubborn. I always think I know best and now I know why it's my fault. Cause I'm so fucking hard headed. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Relationships

so today at lunch the people i was sitting with were talking about relationships. it was pretty hard to follow, there were a lot of metaphors. but i basically got that if i guy wants to be with you he will be with you. he wont play games, and he will talk to his friends about you. the guys said that they want a girl to be their relief and not their agony. they said guys always try to figure out what is wrong with their girl but the girl wont try to figure out what is wrong with the guy. is that actually true? i think that yes while girls are super complicated we do care about what is wrong with our man. and i have to agree that girls are very petty about some things. but so are guys. we talked about how the guys don't really want to tell their girl what is wrong. girls sometimes don't want to talk. i know i don't always want to talk, sometimes we just want to sit and calm down before we talk it out. i don't know i don't have a lot of relationship experience, literally none. but i think i might have an okay understanding. why is is so hard to talk to someone? why is it so hard to find the person you want and stick with them? what is it about being in a relationship that makes guys and girls want to run off and join the circus? i feel like i went off topic but this is really something that i want to know. why is it so hard to be in a relationship? i think because nowadays everyone posts all of their problems on social media instead of actually talking to their partner. some things are better kept private. so if you are in a relationship don't let everyone know your business because there is always going to be someone out there trying to use your weaknesses against you. if you want to be with someone be there, be all there. don't let what other people think or say about your relationship get to you. if you are happy that is all that matters. just do what is best for you and your relationship because do you really want to lose the person you love over a post, a text, or a snarky comment. just be there for your partner and don't let anyone get you down. if you are happy stay that way, if you are unhappy you can fix it or you can leave. just don't let other people or insecurities get in the way of something that can possibly be forever.

Monday, January 11, 2016

First Day Back

i am finally back at school...yay. not really, i don't want to be here. i just don't want to be around these people, they are really bringing my mood down. i made it through all of my classes but now i have to deal with the people that hurt me so bad before we left for a month. i saw the guy and we are still super awkward but he gave me a hug today so i guess we're okay. but i really don't know we didn't really talk so i guess we'll just have to see. it seems like i lost more than just two friends last semester. i feel kind like i lost my whole squad and friends who weren't even in my group. i don't know. i survived my first day of classes and the first sight of these people. hopefully it goes up from here. but i just have this sick feeling that it's gonna go down in flames.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Selfish

My mom called me selfish and it really made me upset. I'm sorry that I don't have money to buy cards or gifts for you. The gifts that I bought for one person were bought with gifts cards. Gift cards that I got for my birthday. I try to do what I can for everyone that I love. I want to get my mom the best of everything. I just don't have the cash I haven't worked all break and apparently that's my fault because my job didn't have work. But you know what? yes I am selfish. Everyone is in their own way. I try not to be as much as possible and the fact that she doesn't understand why I'm upset makes me more upset. I'm just so frustrated right now. 

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

It's a new year

I can't believe that it's 2016. Well I can because 2015 was a pretty shitty year. I lost a lot. But I think I lost part of myself when everything was going on. In January of last year i got diagnosed with PCOS and from then my life sort of just got worse.  I was terribly depressed and I lost so many friends. And my heart was just hurting more than it ever had. I was so down I couldn't see myself ever getting back up. But I'm here to tell you I'm am getting up. It's a new year and I am going to try to be positive. I Am going to try and love myself and to make my life great for me. I am going to follow the three Ps of 2016. Positivity, productivity,and peace. I need all of these now I know there will be some tough days and some not so tough days. But I know I can do this! I just know I can! 

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Going back

I want to go back to before my 21st birthday. It seems like after that day everything in my life went to hell. I'm losing everyone and everything seems to be slipping away so fast. The guy I like he's been ignoring me. Now I have a month away to get my head together. Yesterday I had a really bad breakdown. And the worst part is that one of my friends who I thought was a forever friend. She texted me and told me that basically she didn't want to be friends because she thought that our friendship was one sided. If that wasn't the biggest punch in the face. I am just so over it all. I want to talk to everyone about everything and try to work it out. But I don't think that I can. I honestly think that this is the end for some people in my life. I am very upset and heartbroken but I guess that's just life. I just want to go back to before I was 21. Because everything that I have done since my birthday has done nothing but hurt me more than anything. I am losing people left and right. I don't know how well I am going to do in my classes. It's all in the air until I come back from Christmas break. So until then I guess I just have to wait it out. And when the time comes I can say what I want to everyone. And I can do it without crying or getting angry. I miss being happy. I wonder where my happiness went. and if it will ever come back. 

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Forever

you know what word i really hate? Forever. nothing in this life lasts forever. i have come to realize this in the past week. people say "i'll love you forever", "we're going to be friends forever." but it's simply not true, nothing lasts forever  especially not friends. people say they want to be in your life forever, but then they walk out without any warning or any reason at all. why do we even say the word forever, fuck we don't even leave forever. so why the hell does anyone think that anything lasts that way? i used to be the biggest believer in forever, but as i have been going through my life no one has been there for forever. no one ever will be there forever. i am sorry that i am being such an asshole right now i am just so pissed. i will probably regret this post later but right now i just need to let this out. don't come into my life telling me you want this and that forever, because you know what? forever doesn't last, it never has, and it never will. so quit telling people you will be there forever because you don't know that you will actually be there forever. things happen and people leave, even when they promise that they wont. don't believe the word forever, it's a liar in disguise.